I think sometimes, especially on social media outlets, we present ourselves in the best way possible, and sort of skip over some of the darker moments that happen to EVERYONE. I'm not saying you'll ever see me on Instagram looking a hot mess or wallowing in self pity, but I do think it's important to be honest with ourselves, and those who are kind enough to follow along with our story.
Right guy... wrong time?
Chris and I started dating very shortly after I started Physician Assistant school, which is an all-consuming, rigorous program. I was no stranger to academia and hard work, but PA school was like needing a sip of water and putting your face in front of a fire hydrant... way too much, way too fast, and I felt like I was on the verge of drowning ALL THE TIME. Add to that the fact that I had recently come out of the closet, was figuring out a new life with Barbara, and trying to be a good dad. In many ways meeting Chris was the best thing that could have happened to me because he truly kept me alive during that time... like literally kept me fed, made me get sleep once in a while, and was always willing to take care of any responsibilities I had that were outside of school and Sydnee (and then eventually he became an integral part of Sydnee's life.)
Right before PA school the guy that I was dating (the first ever guy I dated) moved away and wasn't very interested in a long distance relationship... which honestly was for the best, but it pissed me off at the time. I don't know what everyone else's experience was, but my "first" after coming out was a HUGE deal to me and I genuinely thought I would be with him forever..... until he left obviously. So just to do a quick recap/analysis of my state of mind:
Separated from my wife, out of the closet, dumped by the man I loved, starting PA school, trying to be a good dad..... oh, and also having like ZERO money.
Chris swept me off my feet and was my stable foundation, which allowed me to fully try to figure myself out and manage everything I had going on. I'm definitely not a relationship expert, but those ingredients made for a real shit sundae... especially for Chris because the relationship was VERY one sided.... I got the stability and support I needed, and he basically got an adult version of a toddler with an anxiety disorder.
The inevitable outcome of our relationship was to break up at some point. There just was no way to sustain that kind of a relationship. I had continual guilt for all the things Chris was doing for me, and I literally offered him nothing in return because I just didn't have anything to give him. Deep down I was still torn up over my ex and hadn't processed that whole situation in any way, and I eventually came to the conclusion that I had to break up with Chris. I loved him and wanted to be with him, but I just couldn't be the kind of boyfriend he deserved and it was just a really unfair situation for him to be in.
Up for seconds?
I have to pause here to explain this picture... My roommate and best friend in PA school (and since) is Whitney. She is the type of friend who hears her roommate sobbing in the bath tub after breaking up with an amazing guy and decides that the best way to help is to fold and put up all his laundry and then listen to him go on about said amazing guy for endless hours. She's the absolute best and really was integral in Chris and I ending up where we are today.
So the first break up lasted a couple of months.... Chris was still around some, mostly because Sydnee had met and come to love him and I didn't want him to just disappear, and probably also because I couldn't fully let him go. One day during and early class I posted a status update on Facebook about being exhausted and needing red bull to get through the day and literally 10 minutes later I get a text from Chris to come down to the parking lot... and there he was with the biggest red bull available.... and boom, we were basically back together. Its a silly thing to say, but that red bull was symbolic for EVERYTHING I needed in my life, and Chris was there to give it to me. After the first semester, things in school leveled out to a more manageable pace and I was able to be a better boyfriend.
Here we go again....
Things went pretty smoothly for quite a while after we got back together, but I think Chris held a little bit of resentment toward me for breaking up with him, and also wanted to protect himself from getting hurt again. Chris grew up without having a relationship with his dad, he knew who his dad was, and that he had an entire life and family that Chris was not a part of. I felt that he had a sort of perpetual chip on his shoulder and felt like he didn't exactly know who he was and where he fit in his life. We began arguing more, resenting each other more, and we found ourselves in a relationship rut and I didn't see any way out of it. I broke things off again (I know.. I know.... how could I do that?!) and my one request of Chris was that he see a therapist and try to resolve any issues he had developed due to his situation with his father.
I knew I didn't have a right to make him do anything, but I am really glad I pushed him to see a professional and am so proud of him for actually going because the result of his therapy was that he has developed a truly beautiful relationship with his dad, three sisters, and his step-mom. The night Chris met up with his dad we were broken up, but on his way home from having a life changing conversation with his dad, he called me and told me every detail of their talk. I had never heard him so excited and emotional and talk so fast, and when he finally finished telling me everything, he said to me "I couldn't think of a single person in the world I wanted to tell everything to than you." To this day that may be the single sweetest thing he has ever said to me and I knew in that moment that he was the person I am meant to be with.
Third times a charm
I guess the point here is that we had two really tough break ups and I couldn't be more thankful that they both happened. We weren't what we needed to be for each other, and our first break up allowed me to work through my issues, and the second break up allowed Chris to work through his. Are we the perfect couple now with absolutely no problems?? Ummmmm.... no. But we are both in it for the long haul, and any issues we have now we work out together because we both know we are stronger together than we are apart. People rolled their eyes, and told us that we couldn't recover from breaking up twice, but here we are! Engaged, so happy, and ready to take on the rest of this journey side by side. Moral of the story.... You might find the right person at the wrong time and you might be the wrong person at the right time for someone else. But that doesn't mean there is no chance. Keep working and if you're meant to be together then eventually the stars will align, and you'll both be the right person for each other at the exact time you need each other the most.